complaints
2006-08-23, 11:13 p.m.
I don't know what to say anymore, what to do anymore. I've lost my drive. In everything. There are moments in the days that are happiness, but while those are not increasing, things that get me down are. Sometimes i feel so selfish, doing what i want without consideration for others, not that it hurts them in any significant way, but is it justifiable for me to do everything according to their wishes and plainly ignore my own. The bottomline is, i see no point in living anymore, and all i'm living for now is for people around me, my family, my friends etc. What about me? Myself? I think i'm slowly sinking into depression, but i hope it doesn't get to that, and if dying is what it takes to prevent it, then it will be carried out. I think it's scary to read this entry, even i'm a lil' spooked. But don't worry about me, i don't have the courage to take my own life as yet. Sometimes i see myself having many unfulfiled dreams, or just tasks, yet sometimes, i see nothing to do, life totally void of anything. Maybe if i was a black hole i'll feel better, especially in times like this, for i won't be feeling anything.
I become very critical of myself, i see my faults more than anything else, i feel fat, i feel stupid, i feel insensitive, i even feel like there's no one in this world who cares about me. Well, if anyone is, the signals got lost somewhere on the journey. I wouldn't blame this on A levels, not entirely at least. I've lost my sense of purpose, and i guess that's what's killing me now. It's not that i can't see any future ahead of me, but i can't see me doing what i like in the future.
Thinking back about today, i starved myself without realizing it. My only meal was dinner that consisted of 2 spoonfuls of rice and gravy. How sumptuous. How much better could my day get.
I was rather happy when i received my chem results of a B, another jump from F (with some help, that is) but nonetheless a B. Then i realized until now, i haven't shared it with anyone except my parents. No wonder the joy wasn't multiplying. Bad enough, but having someone said "f. off" to me was quite the limits. Am i such a nuisance to have around? It upsets me no end. And there's no one i could complain to, not that i really feel like talking. I guess i just want some reassurance, some comforting, and i guess that'll be too much to ask for. Can no one sense my insecurity? My helplessness? My loss of confidence?
My eyelids were swollen this morning, and they went down rather quickly, hope it doesn't swell again tomorrow morning.
This whole entry is so self-defeating, but i wanted a place to let it all out, and i found the heaven here. I tried to study physics, but nothing went in, nothing ever goes in these days. Well, till then, my fair friends.
Sapphire
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