10th june. i gave myself a sad ending to this story.
2007-06-11, 9:56 a.m.
There're so many things running through my head, and i just wanna leave them all here. I won't even try to make them coherent, so if they do, it's all by chance.
My heart hurts, not for me, but for him. I hurt him so badly..I don't want another guy to fall in love with me..I don't want to be given the power to hurt anyone so badly again. He's being so nice to me..guess it just makes me even more guilty, for having stopped loving him. He loves me so much..it's not like i don't know...yet i chose the path to hurt him like this...suddenly i cannot remember why i chose this..actually, even remembering why i chose this ain't helping much. One of the reasons was..i no longer feel this pain i felt when he "walked away"..then why is it i seem to be drawing water from an unknown but impossibly large water source. Every sms he sent me just breaks open the dam i spend so much time building. The last sms gave me a better feeling of closure..i thanked him. Much as i think he wishes to hear that as much as i'm sorry, i had to say it. I thanked him for..all that he's done...which is alot. All that he's taught me...which is alot..i'll try to remember them. And for loving me for who i am. Maybe i'll never meet another guy who could do that, maybe i won't love the guy even if he comes. Maybe i'll just stay single. Lol.
I do want him to find a girl who would love him as much as he loves her. Actually more. He won't let her down..
Kor said...there's a price for adventure...how fitting...he asked me to be a nun. Lol. In consideration. xD And he asked..what happened to my emotionless state. I wonder. Had 2 days of "puffy eyes" in a row. He said..i've been through this before right? I guess technically i have, but emotionally no. But yeah, i don't deserve any bit of care, concern and love. Was thinking maybe i won't feel so bad if he treated me like shit now, then i thought, i probably can't handle it. My tears have finally stopped...but i think it's just the paused button. Gotta go get my application done today, it's time..for my mask. I can do this..can't i? And i will.
Maybe there'll be karma, and the man i love in the future will stop loving me too. Somehow..i don't think i'll feel even half as bad as i'm feeling now. Maybe i just don't see how i can love anyone as deeply. Maybe i'll really feel better if i was the party that was hurt the most.
And...to you..sorry i lied, i didn't eat last night..so no i'm not an emo eater. =P I think i'll only be eating as much as my mother forcefeeds me. No i'm not trying to kill myself...i guess just..no appetite. Thank goodness i ate so much last night eh. =P
I wish i could stop crying...it's making me really tired..and my eyes hurt...but i guess it's a small price...for hurting him the way i have. I hope you get over me soon...and find the right love..And i feel like a bitch saying that. Whether or not you find the right love...i wish you'd be happy..i don't want to unhappy as much as you don't want me to be. That i can say.
Off to wash up..And i'm off to m'sia tmr. If i settle everything today..and i guess you wouldn't want the photo you'd said you wanted..
I'll always remember your teared eyelashes...i've always told you you had long lashes..they looked beautiful...and just looking at them made me cry again..you're right, there's a big difference between a boyfriend and a best friend. Much as i know you were consoling me...when you said you guess it was a good timing. I've no idea how to put it down in words..Haven't felt so incapable of speech for so long..Felt that you had your walls up when we were in the lift..That kinda stabbed me..but..it's over..i'll be away soon..can i be selfish and ask that you never forget me? It matters somehow..maybe cause i'll never forget you..See i'm crying again. Zzz. What bedok reservoir, pacific+indian ocean already. I guess i've written all that comes to mind...even though this is but one variation.
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