self-deprecating..
2008-08-03, 1:12 a.m.
On the night i decide...wanting to go out and dress up and what not, well you get the idea, the elation of going out the next day after feeling cooped up all at home, everything has to be spoilt because of something totally, like totally, stupid. Like seriously, am i at fault? For once in my life, i think totally not. Argh, i honestly cannot begin to describe how retarded this whole thing feels to me. Maybe it's just my point of view, but good gracious, this is plain ridiculous. Okay, if you ask me about it, i might try to tell you the whole thing while being unbias. I'll try. I never knew i could feel so frustrated. Ironically, it shows that i care. I am so tempted to try and stop caring, then i could go back to being..i forgot what i wanted to say.
After everything, i finally see what i am really like, and i think i really would end up in hell after i die. I'm selfish, in the the world revolves around me, and every (other) thing i do is correct. I'm probably the worse girlfriend anyone can ever get. Lol. (for those who missed it, it's a self mockery laughter) I also found out that the top on the list of what i want in a guy, is the ability to give in, no matter what, the trick is however, to not give in to the point of being passively avoiding me. I'm so tired, of being sad, angry, frustrated, i was right, these feelings are draining. I'll probably be zombiefied when i go out tomorrow, no matter how much sleep i get. I'm numbing, the better to go to hell with. Oh, the real reason why i'd end up in hell, is that even though i see myself in this crystal clear mirror, judged myself to be unfit, and still choose to remain so. I can't find it anywhere in my heart to change. The ultimatum of being selfish. Lol. (yes, another self-mockery laughter)
I have wonderful friends and people around me, that i totally don't deserve. Goodnight my loves.
Sapph
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