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To my dearest mummy.
2009-01-08, 11:25 p.m.

Trust between any two persons is a 2-way traffic. Prepare for an emo entry. Hurhur.

I lie a lot to my parents, my mother in particular. Because there's no trust. And from that, grows even less trust. You trust the person to listen unbiasly, to be able to accept and speak objectively, and in return the person trusts you on what you say. For me, i think it's a habit grown from young, she was quite controlling and that resulted in a quiet rebellion. I avoid conflict, so even in defiance, it tends to be of the quiet type. I guess it's just how i know she would never be able to look at things i tell her objectively when i know it's on a topic that she doesn't like. One darn good example is on my boyfriends. I never told her explicitly that so-and-so is my boyfriend, and i kinda wished i could, in the way i thought mothers and daughters could connect. It doesn't apply to our relationship. She always had something against this guy that guy. The only thing she could ever tell me is find a rich guy. Yes, i know the power of money, but look i'm not going to end up getting married in the next 5 years or so, i'm looking for i guess love and such. Lol. Every relationship has been lessons taught and i mature a little through each. Aren't there qualities that matter more than just being rich? It's not like the guys i date are hooligans or such. I could probably name tons of worse choices. But of course, that doesn't matter to her. Concern for me? Yes i know, but shouldn't i have the chance to make mistakes and learn from them? True, some mistakes are irreversible and i guess it's up to her faith in me to realize that i know that. Personally i trust my dad more. I know he worries but at the same time i know that he trusts me and even then he would drop casual hints to be careful and such. I know all these. And i only lie to him when i don't want things to get to mummy. I'm not here to sow discord between my parents by making them keep things from each other, assuming they would of course. And while i feel mightily guilty lying to my dad, i don't most of the time to my mum. And in the rare cases where i decide against my better judgement to tell her what i didn't want to tell her, her reactions just further solidify my wishes to keep things from her. Mind you, i'm not trying to shrug off the wrongness in me lying to my parents, but this is the reasoning behind what i do and did. Maybe one day, she'll understand, but i really don't place much hope in that.

Sometimes i really envy my sister. You know, i had to lie about going out in my secondary school, because i expected her to make a lot of noise if i told her the truth. Although truthfully i never got a chance to find out whether she would as in my predictions of her reactions because i never had the guts to tell her the truth.

I'll go into self-deprecation soon. =.= I kinda wish she'll see this and save me all the trouble of telling her. Even then i doubt her mindset will change. I think i know her character pretty well by now. Maybe, hopefully, i'm wrong. But don't be mistaken, she's an important person to me. Like how i've always been asked, boyfriend vs mummy (or family), i'll pick mummy any day.

Eventually things will turn out right...the happy ending that i've always adored will come true.

Sapph

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