emptiness
2009-08-24, 10:50 p.m.
Here is my blog-worthy post. =D Don't be fooled by that smiley face, i'm not happy at all. Perhaps just a little enlightened, about myself.
Pray tell me, those of you who do read this diary, just what do YOU want out of your life? I was just rudely awaken to the fact that there is nothing i want out of mine. I once thought, i could just live out the happy-go-lucky life and work towards earning so much money that i could live out my materialistic life. Much loves. However, i was just reminded today that i don't even have that goal to work to anymore, i could simply live to the age where all those are handed to me. Normally i do not count eggs that have yet to reach my basket, but just this once, there is a certainty to that statement from that person that i could count on. And in that second, my goal in life was obliterated. In a way, that has also erased the need to study and do well, of course, i shall continue to study and do decently well, simply because that is one of the things that fill my empty life. You have absolutely no idea how empty i feel now, or maybe you do, but i'm kind of enjoying this whole self-pity thing, so just let me continue thinking this way, just for one night.
Feeling this empty sucks. I really don't know what i want anymore. Starting a family hasn't really ever been the topmost priority for me, i think i could survive somewhat without that, although that thought is nice. It's just not enough and definitely not ambitious enough for me to use that as a goal in life. Thanks to my subarashii education and upbringing, I've always looked to myself as a career-woman. Even now i'm beginning to understand just how meaningless life can fill to even the most successful woman. I bet men do feel the same way, but they could always turn to beer or whatsoever to drown it. That wouldn't work on me, I've a body to maintain. =P Maybe i should pursue the "impossible" courses of roads my sister has been contemplating. Such as winning a Nobel prize for peace. I don't think i ever felt that immense sense of accomplishment from helping people though. I'm selfish i admit. =P
And since I've come to a realization of all these, i can no longer fully enjoy my life living on these little bouts of happiness, they would fail to fully satisfy me. I need a goal, an aim in life, before i self-destruct because of inactiveness. Perhaps just perhaps, i have found a plausible goal. To make more money! Be a billionaire and own an island! Or something.
On another note, my jap class just came to an end, I'll be missing the next lesson which would be the first of the next course because I'd be out of town. Flying on my first budget airline airplane. How exciting. =P Meanwhile, I've rambled enough to appease myself. In a warp-er way, i'm even more motivated to study. HA.HA. Let's see how long that lasts. Nights.
Sapph
last - next
