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Design Long rant for the new year, can't wait for CNY! My dearest readers, I wonder if you are still here with me. As i type these out, i'm picturing them being typed out as a typewritten letter. The satisfying sound of TAK with every key pressed. I know i haven't posted in a long time, i know it's the 4th day of 2012, so HAPPY NEW YEAR everyone. I also know that i didn't message any of you HNY partly because i forgot on the day itself, (the day before i was telling myself, tomorrow send out SMSes!!), and partly because i no longer know if i have that energy to attempt to sustain all these friendships i have with you all, or should i just call it quits and see how things go. Some of you are people i cherish and treasure all that we've been through. Some of you are people that played such a huge part of my life throughout, who has majorly helped to mold me into what i am today (still lacking i know). Excuses aside, i missed you all. Yet i know, many things cannot return to what it was, though i still hold on. I've been stuck in this phase "not a girl not yet a woman", for the longest of time. I feel the impending need to mature rapidly. That somehow stresses me. I feel insufficient, and utterly useless many times. I ask myself again and again, how else could i have done this better. Again and again i get the conclusion that to the best of my abilities, i have done what i could. Today someone asked me a very interesting question. Why is it that i would choose to deflect problems than to overcome obstacles. The answer is clear, overcoming means going through it, many times an option i would rather do without. For so long, i've been running from problems, for so long i believed that the best solution is to avoid the problem all together. In this course of time, i have also seen how honesty rewards. But whenever push comes to shove, the need to decide to be brutally honest, or to just keep mum moment comes. I run. Why ignite a fuse knowing that it'll explode and all one can do is attempt some form of containment? Maybe because the truths will be better for me in the long run. My life...is half passed. Feeling so tired. I need someone to bring me back to those old comfort days. Where there are people i could trust with my back, where there are people i know i could turn to. All these talk about you being there for me, i know those are not empty words, because i offer the same to some. However when things have changed so much for so long, you may be there but i can no longer turn to you without that awkward, ummmmmmmmmmm. Sorry for the long winded-ness tonight. These are some things that i've thought about for the longest of time. On top of the people i so will totally miss when life and death separates us. But that one ain't a new topic. I fear death, for what it could take back, the intangible please. If you're still reading this, which i don't know why would you be. You are probably one of the persons i missed the most. :) I wanna keep on ranting, but i've got a bad stomach that threatens to turn on me every few minutes, so i really should try to put it to sleep. New year, new luck, i don't need new friends, but if they come, let them be true. The world is ugly enough without some hypocrites and backstabbers. And i really really would wish for world peace, this world is so eff-ing ugly. The killings, the abuses, the lies, the innate evil in humanity. But i know as human race lives on this face of the earth for one day, there will never be peace. Sapph P.S. Look for aging has done to me. Cynicism. |