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Design emo nemo Heads up, this is gonna be an emotional post. Don't read if you're not in the mood to cry along. There's at least 10 people i can call now to talk to me, or even give me a hug, yet the only person i'll let would be you. I don't know what to do anymore, besides telling myself to stop loving you so much. As i slowly retreat into myself, i know that the timer to the end of us has started. One day, i'll stop caring so much, one day, i'll stop wanting to see you so much, one day, i'll not be concerned about matching my schedule to yours and making time out for us to spend together, one day, i'll stop finding you so attractive not because you've grown fat, but because the love filter is gone. I mourn the day that happens, yet i know there's nothing i can do to stop it. This, is what independence is. I'm not needy, I never was, and I never will. But i need to know that you love me, and when days like this come along, i don't feel loved. I don't know what you want from me. Actually i think i do, except that what you want are not who i am. You want a wife who can clean cook and take care of you, you want a wife who does not rely on you emotionally. It is not me. And as i feel my worth to you reducing, i know it's time for me to stop putting in so much. It's ironic, the less i love, the less i'll care, the less i'll do, and the less it'll become. I know that it's a vicious cycle, and i've tried so hard to stop it by telling you, but after so many attempts and this still feels the same, i know that the only thing i can really do, is stop myself from falling deeper. I will not change who i am for you, it's not that i don't want to clean cook or take care of you, but these are and will be things that i'll do naturally when i love you, they will not be things that i feel obliged to do. Obligations have a tendency to make things mundane. It's love that makes everything comfortable and right. I once thought communication is a very important aspect of relationships, i now know that communications alone are truly not enough. There are so many times i can feel your effort, yet it feels now to be mundane to you as well. When that builds, nothing good will come out of it. I feel incoherent, might be the thoughts jumbling in my head. I'm so torn now between wanting to make this work and keep loving you so much, and pulling myself out so that when it comes to an end i won't be so broken. The day you said that you can feel that one day i'll stop loving you, it's true, sadly. I've been consciously and subconsciously preparing myself for the day the end comes. And body languages or that look in the eyes will always be a giveaway. I'm turning 30 this year! This diary has been around for over a decade (oh my!), and while i've not been posting regularly (not even close) anymore, you my friend will always be my listening ear. After 30 years, i still feel like there's no one i can turn to. Because i don't need advice, i know exactly what the best advice would be. And that no one else should really have to spend time and energy on this sad wreck that i can be some times. I will be a pillar of strength. To me, my family, my friends. I understand now why depression can hit people. Sometimes you know that there are people who are willing to be there for you, but sometimes they are not the right people, nor just anyone you want to talk to. Eventually bottled up long enough, bits of your soul starts breaking apart and not coming back together anymore. I will not fall into depression. I have enough in my life to fill me. I will work towards having more things to fill me. Life, Love, Family. More importantly, i know that i'm strong. I have not lived 30 years in vain. With that strength, i'll live a life so full, i'll never say, "i wished...", only "you know..." The brain is a funny thing, as you cheer yourself up, it starts rewiring itself to feel better. I'm switching off myself until 10am Sunday morning. I realized i can't do that, what if my mum calls me? xD Anyway, now that i am feeling a tad better, i'm off to bed. It is 2:50am. I always wonder if anyone reads this anymore. It's such a big part of my past, and the people who once mattered so much in the past has now their lives in the present. It's always good to write, although i always end up cringing at what i wrote when i look back. >Sapphire |