Difficult phase. Skip it. It’s sad.
2018-07-27, 12:46 a.m.
I’m heading to bed, so let’s keep this short.. note to self, skip this post right now. It’s gonna make me sad. So stop and go ahead and press next.
I just needed an outlet, I guess diaries true meaning is coming back to me, when there’s nowhere else to rant to, this is the best place.
My relationship now is so rocky, I think we’ll have to abandon ship soon. I’ve spent so much time thinking about it, and every single time the conclusion seems foregone. There’s so much about him that I love, yet so much that I dislike. I really wish he can grow as a person to be better, when it comes to attitude towards people etc. He doesn’t seem to want to change, so I can’t force him, but at this rate, this is definitely not the person I wanna spend the rest of my life with. But if I don’t want to spend the rest of my life with him, why am I still wasting time now on him? Yet I can’t bear to let go, I still hope that things can change, but I know better. I’ve been going in circles so much, I know both sides of the argument. I guess it’s just rationality vs emotional attachment. The end is in sight, if he doesn’t change, I will be the one to give up on this. I’ve told myself this umpteen times, then I ask myself, what then should I do now? Can I love someone 50%? Knowing that the end is in misery? The worst part? I can’t talk to him about it, because every time I do, we fight. It’s gotten so tiring it’s just no longer worth it. And nothing has improved from it, even less motivation to raise it. Now I understand why in some cases silence is the real problem, and yet is the lesser of evils.
However, I’ve learnt so much from these time. About myself, about different perspectives, about lives. No matter what the end is, where the end is, I’m glad I was once on this journey. When it hurts too much to love, one will naturally let go. It pains me so much to even think that, but what must come will come. I will no longer worry about it, or think too much about it. I’ll do what I feel like doing there and then, life is too short to be wasted on feeling upset and cheated of.
I think I’ll do a birthday post when I turn 30 later this year. For some odd reason, I had two thoughts that I’ve never had, 1) to own many plots of agriculture land, 2) to write a book. I wonder if I’ll think back on these when I’m older. Where will life take me? I’m ready to end this phase of life and move on to the next. :) 頑張ります！
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