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Design - I have to be strong. I don't think I know any other way to be.. It's difficult..and now nearing 6am, I'm just crying non-stop..I don't know what to do.. I don't know who can I turn to.. When mummy tells me that if anything happens to Ahma, we will not be able to attend. ie. Funeral.. I tell her I know, it's okay. Subconsciously I think it ain't okay. Maybe it's just another emotional night with the thunderstorm and all.. Maybe I should just let it all out. I don't know how long more I can sustain this facade of strength, I think at a certain point I myself don't even know how much I can handle, vs how much I think I can handle. I know there are people relying on my strength, and that keeps me up.. but when night comes and times like these, the barriers breaking down, the tears running endlessly, I wonder.. Considering that I was entertaining thoughts about how I'll end my life and about packing things up. I don't think that's very healthy. I can't deny how it comes to mind when my mind's blank. I think about how I'll take a trip overseas and just die somehow overseas. Leaving enough money for them to ship my body back for the funeral etc, although I'm okay if they choose not to. I wish I could put all that I'm feeling into words, it'll probably make me feel better, but unfortunately, I ain't that capable. Certain things will trigger certain emotions that I wish could be shelved away forever more, but life can't go the way you want. No matter what, I'm thankful for everything that has happened to me, it may not have been smooth sailing all the time, but I've definitely got it better than many many people. Many times I tell myself to not wish ill onto others (specifically....+.+), whenever I find myself wishing certain not too nice stuff about certain people. I keep telling myself Karma will catch up with them, and Karma's a better dealer than I am. It's just so hard sometimes. I ran out of energy to cry for tonight..So in the case that I do come back and see this.. Everything will work out. It is how it is with me. I give thanks to everyone who has been a pivotal part of my life, good or bad, I keep growing thanks to all of you. Blood or not, thank you. My head's rolling right now, then again it's 6+am. Goodnight. Sapphire |