thinking thinking thought.
2007-12-12, 1:48 a.m.
This is going to be a "thoughtful" entry. Just thoughts that filled my head while experiencing car-sickness (yes you heard me right, me. car sick. -.-) today.
Cha talked about remorse, and when she first raised it, i had to dictionary.com the word, then thought about it in short and came to naught. While i pondered over it, i realized the crux of the problem. I do not experience remorse because i bar myself from experiencing regret. My first thought was actually of why didn't she know that, then i guess, i haven't really expressed that. Don't understand? Let me enlighten you of one of my weird principles of my life.
I never regret actions, not because they don't deserve or require it, but because regretting them only made me feel worse while bettering nothing at all. From the time i lost my bag at suntec, to the phones lost due to carelessness, to bad exams results, to that crappy B4 i received for Chinese Os the first time, to many many other situations in my life. These are but a significant few that springs to mind. There were many "if only i'd...." "if things were..." until i cut them off. It only made myself feel stupider (which you all should know i can barely tolerate from others, much less myself), and it solved nothing. In a way, it made me more practical, allowing me to see and take the necessary measures straight after a (major) mistake. On the whole, it minimized the error.
However, surely remorse exists for a reason, besides being a sorry excuse to mope and meanwhile do nothing about it. It forces people to think about what happened, even though it means that comes alot later. To my little credit. I do think about the what happened, i think about what other options existed to prevent it from happening again, and this is actually what sets it apart from remorse. Remorse is about one thinking what one could have done to prevent it. Even without remorse, i could normally plot the next course of action regarding the same issue properly. But i'm no saint. I make mistakes, even repeated ones, i ain't able to always carry out what i would have wanted because life just doesn't give you the same exact exercise just to let you practice. Life's a bitch, and we all know it.
In conclusion to THIS, as i'd told her. If she's seeking remorse from me, sorry but that ain't going to happen. However, it seems, that is currently the only thing that'll appease her, and all i can say to that, is too bad (for the lack of a better more apt phrase), simply because it's not in me. How does one find something that does not exists? Plant it and hopefully it grows, sorry but it's all dead soil here that will not support any growth of such demanding plants.
On another note, she got me thinking about many other things. Like how i don't give a shred of others' feelings. My first thought, being always the epitome of brutal honesty yet not always explaining itself, was that that is actually true. I can and have been very sensitive of some people's emotions. Yet when i really think back, there have been many passer-bys in my life that i should have dedicated more thoughts to how they feel at that time. In defence, i was probably at the height of indifference. Which does no credit to me, but that's the bare truth.
In all, i'm really a horrible person no? I care alot about the people around me. Yet i do things that hurt them inadvertently (no excuse). After all that karma issue, i think i must have gathered alot of that somewhere to have these people around me. Regrets and remorse might not be a part of me, but gratefulness i'm glad to say is. Although the ways i show it leaves myself in doubts many a time.
Enough thoughts. I'm close to being brain dead. Can only say, i seem to see a break in all this migraine-causing business. I still am glad it came out, would have just snowballed even further and would have reached a point of no return. And colin..cha and i kiss and make up? =S But thank you. She's entitled to her own opinions. And well, you saved me another migraine day. And i'm not kidding, really having migraine these few days. =S And you just made me cry! For 2 minutes. =P
It'll all pass i hope. The migraine. Lol. Don't think i'll skate tomorrow, even though the skies look about to clear for awhile. This headache's killing me. And without realizing it, i piled all the to-do-list items to be settled tomorrow. Oh dearie me. =S Goodnight my loves.
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