emoemoemo, must blog when i'm happy next.
2008-08-19, 12:08 a.m.
I am, simply put, at the loss of what to write. Yes, once again, i'm here when i'm feeling down. Am i really feeling down? I can't tell. Feels a little numb, and justifiably for once, sad. So that's what being sad feels like. Not angry, pissed, irritated, moody, disappointed, frustrated, upset by others but just plain sad. It's the result of being pushed slowly and slowly by everyone around me i guess, and myself. Pushing myself to do extra work for school, to try to catch up for japanese, yes i'm lagging behind unfortunately, the teacher came in and rambled on in japanese and i barely understood half of what she was rambling on about, oh dear, much to work on. =(
Why am i feeling so sad? Gah, i destroyed someone's birthday, well done eh, after all the effort i went through to make a good birthday. Guess it all fell through, at the last minute no less. Ah, yes, i'm wonderfully wallowing in self-pity. I give thanks to the knowledge words rendered to me, despite my inadequacy of the language, did i even spell that word correctly.
I can't trust myself to speak. In the midst of sadness and anger, i'm seething with it, i'm torn between being a spoilt brat and saying just what i want to say, and not wanting to say the words i know i'll regret and i know are untrue. Have i changed? Or have i become so comfortable with you that i've showed my true self, the selfish and heaven knows what other negativities there are in me. Lol. Girls are all the same, yet that part-who-wants-to-be-special in me is shouting that i'm different, for better or for worse. Will anyone ever understands and accept me for this pathetic weak selfish being that i am? Lol. Ah yes, more self-pity. The relationships that i hold are, rather special. With my family and friends. Will someone understand that? I choose to find a balance, instead of having to sacrifice one for another, though i fully understand the costs in everything. I still hope to find the balance, i guess it's actually pure selfishness, the unwillingness to give up what i already have yet desiring something else. It's something i doubt i can change. Ahaha, i bet fundamentally me will never change that, the selfish core. Muahaha. Okay, i'm done seething, and just tired. There goes all my hope of completing my exercise 2 for QMM, yawn. I have low boiling point, and hence it cools off very fast. Lol. Am i feeling better? I'm just number than sad now. But thinking of the birthday part. I'm sorry, for failing spectacularly at trying to achieve what i wanted, just because of this stupid thing.
Was anything so important that i HAVE to carry my damn phone around in my own house? Why can't people stop judging other's by their looks and educational level, or what they do, well, i'm actually guilty of that too, but shhhh. Why do i make myself sound like i'm right like now, because i feel so. Lol. I'm always the self-righteous one. Such joys. I'm not making much sense anymore. Ciao.
Sapph
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