distance increasing.
2010-11-16, 2:18 a.m.
Ever since my convocation, which really has just been 3 days since, i've not felt any change. It's only now, that i realized what have i been doing.
For a start, i got a Second Upper Honours in Bachelor of Science in Business Management. While i realize that that really is too good for me, knowing that the amount of effort i've put into school hasn't warrant that, i've been denying the achievement. Thinking back, yes i skipped classes, slept in classes (i just couldn't keep my eyes opened with the lecturer droning, and i really tried), spotted examination questions with amazing accuracy and plenty of luck involved, i really did study hard, even if it was only for that short 3 day grace before examinations, but yes i dug into my books, burnt the appropriate midnight oils, did my notes diligently, did my mock papers and all that. I'm quite sure i suffered quite a bit during those period, but i've also forgotten all that, since i don't remember unhappy stuff, and yes those constitute as "unhappy". But if i told myself i'd put in all the effort i could have, and only gotten this Second Upper, i think i'll die. Maybe i expect too much of myself, but i always believe that if i want, i can get. However, most of the time, i feel that the amount of effort required for that increase in grade is an exponential curve, and it feels unworthy. Hoho.
I really do feel like Second Upper is just average, is me under-performing, is absolutely nothing to be proud of, no matter how others tell me otherwise. The fact is, i feel that i've drifted further and further from you, as you climbed, i stopped climbing. More and more i feel that everything i've imagined from a long time ago is becoming further and further from realizing. At this point, i don't even know what to do anymore. I feel like i'm stuck here. In quicksand, and i'm doing all i can to not struggle to not sink, but i don't see a way out. I'm afraid of making another mistake, of losing you when i don't want to, but i don't know what to do anymore.
Maybe i could start with acknowledging my achievements no matter how miserable they are. Or not. Anyway, the good news is, life seems to be picking up. Less things going awry, more things going right, more things getting fixed. I'll just let things go the way they are, i've so many intermediate goals to fulfill, hurdles to cross. Maybe one day things will right themselves, and what i thought will come true.
Meanwhile, I WANT FURLINED LEATHER GLOVES. damnit. :( Can't find an affordable one in the right size. This is getting depressing too. KayNiteBye.
Sapph
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