it's a sad sad world
2006-10-01, 9:50 p.m.
When anger, disappointment, sadness and a whole lot of negative emotions get together, it feels like hell. Makes me want to cry, but crying doesn't solve anything. How can there be so many things in this world to quarrel about? Am i the one picking the fights? Sometimes i think so, but those times felt justified. To me at least. After talking to gid today, i had certain fears, of which i wouldn't list here, and those fears feel like they're creeping closer and closer to me, on the verge of becoming reality. If that even makes sense. Where's the calm from the inside which i thought i had. Where's the sense of peace i had. Happiness has it's price, and i'm paying it now. One might describe me as being very emotional now, but that's exactly how i feel. I feel overcome by rage, sadness, and disappointment. Why the latter you might ask, but i'm unable to express the reason explicitly.
Feeling better now that i've ranted, but not much, i'm starting to see myself behind a piece of glass again, clear but detached from the original. I seek refuge in the fantastical, the imaginary, and the impossible. It's the only other place i can find shelter in, when i'm turned away from the default shelter zone. And it's been raining more these days, in the shelter. Maybe it's all stress, but all these are just making it more stressful, at least for me. I yearn for someone to understand without me explaining, to know how to console me, or is it not consolation that i'm seeking. I don't know what i want anymore, the only thing i know is that i don't want to fight anymore.
"I don't wanna fight no more
i forgot what we were fighting for
and this loneliness that's in my heart
won't let me be apart from you
i don't wanna try
girl to live without you in my life
so i'm hoping we can start tonight
'cause i don't wanna fight.. no more"
Aptly put, from Westlife, one of their old songs, and one of my favourites, never knew it'll apply. I'm really feeling much better now after singing. Noone listens to me sing anymore. Never quite realized how much i miss singing, it's a form of release for me. True, my singing ain't wonderful, far from that actually, but i don't think it sounds that bad, at least, i hope so. Think i'll stop here, have said, and sung all i wanted to. Goodnight people. =)Sapphire
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